HOW TO COPE WITH ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR YOUR ROOMMATE

You finally found someone you can live with! Everything is going along great, and suddenly, you find yourself thinking of your roommate more and more, talking about him or her every chance you get... uh oh. You never meant to develop those feelings for your roommate - this is going to complicate things in your living arrangement. Or is it? For the purposes of this article, it is assumed you are both of the same gender.

1. Try to fight it. It's possible you are just grateful and happy to have found someone who you can share, not only a refrigerator and living expenses with, but good times, warm feelings, and all that goes with being a good friend - one who becomes like family. Sometimes, feeling you have a crush on this person is just a transference of those good feelings. If you try to shake them off, you may succeed - if it truly is simple transference of emotion. If not...

2. Hit on him or her all the time. Hide in plain sight. Once you realize you have feelings for him or her, start flirting, big time. Make it a point to make your roommate always aware that s/he is your idea of cute, sexy, and adorable - but when others of your roommate's gender are around, hit on them as well. If you're flirting with everyone, you're hiding your feelings for that one person.

3. Stuff the feelings. That's right. Fight the urge to confess your love, unless you get a clear signal that s/he feels the same way about you. Keep those feelings to yourself. At least for now.


4. Figure out if there's any chance s/he feels the same way. You won't be able to hide your feelings forever. Start probing, very gently - keep things very light, and use humor to prevent things from taking a serious turn, but when you hear a clue, pursue that clue. For example, she says, "I am just not satisfied with my relationships with men." You say, "So does that mean I have a chance, then?" Then wink and grin. But watch for her reaction. Her body language may give you a real indication of whether or not she is considering that very possibility.

5. Have very frank talks, but continue to hide your feelings. Try to draw your roommate out as you have private, intimate chats. Telling deep truths about yourselves to one another can give you clues. Pairing dead honesty with these warm, sensitive chats can help draw out the truth of his or her feelings.

6. Make a move. Not literally, perhaps. If you cross the line and kiss your roommate, it's pretty hard to pull yourself back across that line to platonic friendship - there would be a lot of awkward silences and sideways looks for a long time. But if you were to be fairly sure that s/he returns your feelings, at least a little, then making a confession might help at this stage.

• Example scenario: A late night "slumber party" has morphed into a low-light, low music, romantic, sensitive chat. You're both sitting there in your jammies feeling very close. Your roommate has just lamented again that she feels she should break up with her boyfriend. In previous late-night chats, when you have joked about whether or not she might give it a shot with you after he's history, she's hinted there is a possibility she'd consider it. Tonight, don't wait. When she says, "I just don't think he respects me, and I don't feel the same way about him as I used to. Should I break up with him?" You respond with, "Yes. And then you should go out with me." She laughs. And you say, "I'm serious." Now she gets kind of quiet and starts looking at you. "Are you serious?" You nod and say, "Meredith, I'm crazy about you, and I'd treat you a lot better than that guy does." Look straight into her eyes and stay steady. Don't get weird. At this point, it goes one of three ways:  

• She laughs, thinking you're kidding. When you assure her again that you aren't, she says, "I'm straight" (if you're of the same gender) or "I'm not attracted to you" (or something along those lines).
• She continues to look at you and says, "Wow. I had no idea." When you assure her you're serious and have felt this way for a long time, she says, "I'm not sure how to feel about that. Can you give me some time?"
• She throws her arms around your neck and kisses you on the mouth. You say, "Whoa. Awesome." And she says, "Whoa. Awesome."

7. Learn to accept your platonic relationship. If your roommate responds to your confession with rejection, you have no choice but to accept it. Be gracious and understanding, and assure your friend that you have had these feelings for some time and it hasn't affected your friendship yet. However, you may need to allow some distance to develop in order to put some space between what you hoped might happen, and what you now realize is the reality of your situation. Don't let so much distance develop that you allow it to strain your relationship, though - no matter how awkward you might feel, just go through the motions, and act like everything is normal. Putting one foot in front of the other is hard sometimes, but just the appearance of everything being okay is often enough to take hold, and soon everything really is okay.

8. Allow some time. If your roommate is taken by surprise when you confess your heart, and asks you for some time to consider what you've said, give him or her some time to think about it. It's a step s/he may have trouble taking, especially if you would be the first same-sex partner. Be kind, gallant, and compassionate as your roommate considers having a relationship with you, and hope for the best, but be patient, and know that if you are the "coming out" partner, this may be a process that takes awhile. Prepare for setbacks.

9. Celebrate! If scenario number 3 happens, you just hit the jackpot, kiddo! A great friend and roommate that you know you can live and get along with day to day has just confessed his or her feelings for you - invitations to the wedding will be sent eventually!


Tips

• Taking some time to let the situation develop is essential. There is often a "honeymoon" period when we meet someone new, and we just "fall in love." It's not always romantic love, even though that's what it feels like at first. Sometimes, it's just a crush we develop because we love everything about this person so much, and it will pass.
• Keep things light. A confession like this can either devastate your relationship, or it can actually make it a little sweeter, because even if your roommate ends up not returning your feelings, knowing you were sweet on him or her can make your friend feel a special closeness or fondness for you as the years go on.

Warnings

• Life is not a sitcom or a romantic comedy. Don't expect it to play out like one, or you will end up disappointed sooner or later.
• Don't wait too long. If your friend is one who jumps from boyfriend to boyfriend (or girl to girl, whatever), catch him or her when s/he is between relationships (or at the end of one).
• Don't sit on your feelings if you are getting confusing signals. Many times, your roommate may be trying to give you a clue, because s/he doesn't know how to make the first move. If s/he says things that make you go, "huh???" or do a double-take ("Did she just say she has feelings for me she doesn't know what to do with? What does that mean?") make a move. If she says, "You and I should take off and move to Ireland and have a pig farm," don't wait for another invitation. Say, "Did you just ask me to run away with you?" and reach out for her hand. If he says he has feelings for you he doesn't understand, kiss him. Ask him if he understands them better now. Get the idea?