HOW TO IDENTIFY THE NEED TO REKINDLE ROMANCE

Do you feel like something is missing in your love life? Perhaps it's time to rekindle the romance but how can you be sure? This article provides a number of signs to help you recognize that the romance in your relationship might be in need of a boost. 

Steps

1. Think about how much time the two of you spend talking together. Did you used to discuss everything together but now find you're lucky to talk about who is dropping off the kids and who is responsible for the garbage run this week? If your partner hardly talks to you and you're hardly talking to your partner, you've become ships passing in the night and it's the clearest sign of all that you've let the love slip and are simply exchanging practical mundanities. Make a decision to set aside time for conversations and the deeper discussions that the two of you once had. If you don't, it'll be more than romance that's slipping by the by.

2. Check the hug and/or cuddle shrink. When you go to hug your partner or to have a wee cuddle, does your partner back away or shrug you off after just a few seconds and resume whatever they were doing? If yes, then you really need to have a chat. Don't just stand there in a strop and stop talking to them as a passive retaliatory measure, as this will only compound the problem and cause them to think you're moody. 

3. Consider how often the two of you set aside time just to be together doing something romantic rather than something practical. You may be together when you're doing household chores, the grocery shopping, child raising and household maintenance but these are hardly romantic pursuits. They're the essentials of life but so is romance and unless you have been purposefully setting aside time to have the occasional candlelit dinner, evening out just for the two of you or going somewhere meaningful together once in a while, then you've let the romance slip. Routine can easily kill romance and spontaneity; reintroduce romance through planning it into your monthly schedule. It may not feel as spontaneous as when you first dated but once you're enjoying each planned romantic occasion, you'll realize it's worth the planning!

4. Consider whether you're giving one another enough space. Romance thrives on adventure, a little mystery and renewal. It's a little hard to feel any of these things when you're on top of one another all the time. Worse still is a sense of clinginess from one partner or even from both, an emotional state which can enmesh you in dependency on each other that results in a loss of the spark that ignited your original love for each other's individuality. As well as work, household chores, child raising and other essentials in life, find time to socialize with your friends as well as with one another. Spending time with your friends will give you different perspectives on life that will refresh and restore your sense of your relationship, allowing you to bring back stories, ideas, information and renewed excitement to your relationship. This works for both spouses, so be sure to encourage your spouse to take out time with friends too.

5. Check for demands or interfering attitudes. When demands enter a relationship, romance suffers. If you feel that your spouse is always doing something that doesn't sit well with you (for example, "always" coming home late, "always" leaving the kids with you, "always" making you do X, Y, Z, etc.), then romance has fled. It is all too easy to end up in a row or giving one another the silent treatment if either of you feels taken advantage of, bossed around or not trusted. If this has started to happen, both of you need to re-examine your interactions and rephrase how you see "always" issues. Instead of accusing your spouse of "always" doing X, Y, Z, change the discussion to how something that is happening makes you feel. For example, replace "you're always late home, I don't matter to you as much as that stinking job of yours" with "I am always looking forward to seeing you and I find it hard to wait for your return home". This reminds your spouse of why you care and about the fact that you still excite one another. However, don't overdo this as it can be seen as manipulative or clingy if you take it too far or use it too often.

6. Talk to your trusted friends about their perceptions. Have they said anything about the two of you that has given you cause for pause? You most certainly don't need to air your dirty laundry with them but if they are saying that they've noticed small changes about the two of you, be alert and see if there is any truth in what they're saying and use this as indicators of where you might need to make changes. You don't have to believe everything they say but people outside of a relationship are often in a clearer position to remark on the more subjective elements of it with a less invested reason for seeing it other than what it is.

7. Be objective and stand back and analyze your relationship with realistic eyes. Is the romance in your relationship teetering on a precipice or is it simply bubbling along unheeded underneath the drudgery of everyday living? Either way, you have a choice to bring it back, to reignite that spark. However, you also have a responsibility to be realistic about your relationship; as with most things in life, relationships mature and many romantic relationships turn into companionship over time, and are driven by a more enduring, reciprocal and less idealistic love that is capable of encompassing the boring patches of life and that accepts the imperfections of both love and of each other. Romance is idealistic and with that, it also causes us to idealize the one we love; when this type of idealization moves into acceptance, love endures and transcends the daily routine, the squabbles, the conflict and the troubles, ultimately enabling us to just accept what is and to love one another for who we are and for who we continue to become. Relax – finding pleasure in simply being together may not be the wow kind of romance you're after but it's a very solid, stable and loving approach to a long-term relationship.

• Expect yourself, your spouse, your marriage and your ideas of romance to evolve with time. When seeking to rekindle romance, ask yourself very clearly exactly what it is about romance you want to invite back into your relationship. It may be very different now from five, ten or more years before.