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Thursday, January 14, 2010

DEALING WITH A LYING AND CHEATING SPOUSE

Initially, most people approach the topic of lying and infidelity somewhat reluctantly - driven by their curiosity or by a recent, unexpected discovery.
For better or for worse, our romantic relationships are not always as straightforward as we would like them to be. From time to time, our intimate relationships can become complicated and complex - full of contradictions and inconsistencies.
When it comes to love and marriage, people expect a spouse to be completely honest. But, at the same time, everyone values their sense of freedom and privacy. So while romantic partners typically want to please each other, at other times, couples experience competing goals which can make telling the truth more difficult.
As it stands, our close relationships involve a lot of truth telling as well as some dishonesty.
If love was straightforward and unchanging, that would be easy to acknowledge. But, when you take a close look at the nature of love and romance, one thing becomes clear: Love creates both happiness and heartache, opportunities and constraints, joy and sorrow.
For the most part, spouses are considerate, honest and kind. But at the same time, husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, betray those they love. Unfortunately, deception comes in handy when people want to limit their partner's choices, avoid conflict or punishment, or when people want to influence their partner's behavior. And while it is not uncommon for people to lie and cheat, it is difficult to accept that one's own husband or wife might be doing so. Who hasn't caught a boyfriend or girlfriend lying only to have him or her deny it - "I would never lie to you."
Not only can our close relationships sometimes cause heartache and anxiety, but it's also difficult to discuss lying and cheating out in the open. When you mention the possibility that love and betrayal might go hand-in-hand, people tend to get angry or they become defensive. We know how disheartening it is to deal with these issues. But, disheartening or not, deception and infidelity are important to understand.
As such, this website provides an opportunity to explore this fundamental, but rarely discussed aspect of our intimate relationships: How to deal with a lying and cheating spouse.

Even in the best of circumstances, it can be difficult to know what to believe. Many people struggle with their suspicions and concerns.
For example, people often wonder...

  • Is my husband just being flirtatious or could he be tempted to cheat?
  • When I ask my wife a question, why doesn't she look me in the eye?
  • How come my girlfriend doesn't answer her phone?
  • Why is my partner working so late?
  • What's causing my boyfriend be so distant lately?
Is there an innocent explanation for everything that happens? Or could you simply be reading too much into what's going on? Unfortunately, the truth is not always easy to discern.
And actually having to investigate a spouse can quickly turn into a never-ending challenge. More often than not, this happens because a cheating spouse will rarely admit the truth even when confronted with evidence of his or her guilt.
Sadly enough, some level of suspicion might actually be warranted from time to time. Research indicates that if you want to look for deception in your own life, the best place to start is close to home. Lovers often lie about their true feelings for each other, the feelings they have for others, their level of commitment, their whereabouts... And people tend to tell their most serious and consequential lies to those they love.
At one extreme, some husbands and wives never plan on being faithful. While millions of other husbands and wives, who never intended to commit infidelity, nevertheless, still end up doing so (calculate how closely your spouse fits the profile of someone who is likely to cheat ..And to make matters more complicated, detecting deception, or infidelity, is never as easy as people think.  Not only can it be difficult to investigate a spouse, but doing so also raises a host of relational, ethical, and legal concerns - issues which are important to consider before starting to monitor a spouse. In any case, most of the lies lovers tell go undetected because people downplay the risks that a partner would lie and most people over estimate their ability to spot their partner's lies.

For the most part, the strategy of "assuming the best" works fairly well, until the day comes when it does not, and with little warning or preparation we have to confront the reality that our close relationships are not exactly what they appear to be. Eventually, almost everyone will catch a romantic partner in a lie. Often, it amounts to uncovering nothing more than catching a spouse telling a small, white lie. And of course, sometimes it can involve something much more serious.
When deception is uncovered, even finding out the truth about a small, white lie can lead to problems such as increased suspicion and doubt. If your spouse is willing to bend the truth about something trivial, what about something that really matters?
And when something much more serious is uncovered, people have a difficult time coping with what they have learned and dealing with the fact that someone close to them has betrayed their trust.
It’s not so much that coming to terms with deception will solve all of the problems that people are going to encounter, but it will certainty help to reduce the stress, anxiety, and uncertainty that occurs when deception comes to light.

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